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February 20, 2017

When Do We Lose Hope?

When Do We Lose Hope?

I have been married for almost 10 years now. My son is turning 3 this year. Why did I wait so long before pregnancy? What was I waiting for?

Him. I waited for him. For six years, I prayed for a child. Two abruptly terminated pregnancies before he came along. Two D&C procedures later, I grew indifferent. I accepted the harsh truth that I may never have a chance to bring life into this world. I grew numb with the each question that people ask whenever I manage to drag myself and attend a get-together, let alone a children’s party. I flinch deep inside when people ask me when I’m getting pregnant. Still, I manage a smile and politely answer, “Soon I hope.” Or when I’m feeling up to it, I jokingly say, “we’ll go ahead then and start making one, so we need to get going.” Each time I get asked, each time I read a post on social media (with a pregnancy strip photo), each time I hear news about a friend, an acquaintance getting pregnant; my heart hurts. And I ask God what His plans are. I couldn’t hear His answer because my mind is closed and my heart is indifferent.

The third time I suspected I was pregnant, I denied myself to be happy. I did not test, did not see a doctor and decided to push through with my out of the country trip. Why? Because I know I will also lose this one. I was positive that I’d be in the hospital in a few weeks’ time, so I thought I had better enjoy this trip. And I did. I walked up flights of stairs to visit temples, walked a lot to markets to look for deals, even went snorkelling and took off my life vest as I swam to shore. I also had an eventful plane ride home. Turbulence rocked our plane and we had to do emergency landing. After a few hours, we were back in the air and then landed safely in Manila.

On August 23, 2013, my husband took me for an ultrasound. I wasn’t too hopeful. I braced myself for the news, “There’s no heartbeat, mommy. But we’ll wait a few more weeks and try again.” I closed my eyes and waited for the procedure to be over. Then I heard the doctor say, “Mommy this is the heartbeat”, to which I stupidly replied, “There’s a heartbeat?” And I felt a rush of blood to my face. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. I couldn’t be happier. A lot was going on in my mind and I pause. I say, ‘Thank you, God”. He never said no. He just wanted me to wait. When I gave up, He deemed it the perfect time to answer.

I have waited for this little one for 6 years. Along the way, I lost hope. And I learned that we only lose hope because of one reason. We give up.

Today, I just look at this little firecracker, my little personal miracle and I know that HOPE isn’t lost.

When Do We Lose Hope

 

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Wayne B. | Pinoy Trends

Wayne is a mom to a toddler. She's passionate about breastfeeding. She loves movies and series, action, sci-fi and fantasy. Not so much on love stories. She is a kitchen scientist. Pet peeve: know-it-all.

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